September 2nd, 2009

The past few months I have been in and out of church, not really committed anywhere until 2 Sundays ago. Slowly feeling better about my walk with God. In April I decided to go on a diet.. hmm, lasted ok for about a week.. before I lost control again. I have lost over 50lbs since late April.. yeh safe to say.. RELAPSE! I'm not stopping either. I need to lose so much more!

March 14, 2009

Almost a year has passed. So, so much has changed.

Around September last year I was sleeping. I heard the words "God is going to bless you, God is going to bless you" and then my alarm. I knew it was spiritual. It wasnt my imagination. It was real. I was going to Africa in 2 months and I was excited about what God was going to do. Work suddenly became really stressful. A girl was sexually abused by another girl, while in my care. There were many meetings with distraught parents and the Department of child protection. Memories from my childhood came flooding back, but I managed to deal with them ok. Then my beloved cat got sick. He had a tumor. It was a matter of vet visits every 2 weeks to keep him healthy. That was ok. 6 weeks before I was due to fly out for Africa, it was cancelled. I was devistated. On December 8, 2008 we had to put our cat to sleep. It broke my heart. He was my little, fluffy angel. I had just turned 8 years old when we got him. (im now 24) he was always a part of my life. I dont care what anyone else says. Losing him was just, i dont have words to descibe how hard it was. But you know going through all this was ok, because I still had God. He was still there. He was my rock. The one thing I did have was my church. But then, on January 1st, 2009 I found out that wasnt the case either. My church was shaken. Pastors dismissed. It wasnt minor. It is the 'mother' church of hundreds of churches throughout the world. The headship was told to never return basically. As he left, the 2 other pastors went also. About 200 people, including myself, now go to a new church, run by these pastors. Its not the same. I cant go back to the old place and im not about the new place.

Im struggling. I dont know what to believe anymore. The past 6 months dont equal blessing to me.

WOW!! how my life has changed in just a year. Talk about the grace and mercy of God. I got saved 6 years ago on June 9th. 5 years of that salvation, I never really knew how to serve God. It was always so hard. I couldnt understand it no matter how hard I tried. It would become too difficult so I would walk away from God and from the church. But God would always lead me back to that place. In February I fasted. 3 days, water only. For someone with an eating disorder, I wasn't so sure it was a great idea. I had fasted the year before and I remember how at the end of the fast, I could really feel God's presence. So i thought, I will do it again. It definitely wasn't as easy as the previous year. That year I made the 3 days easy. But this year it was hard. Simple as that. I wanted to give in so many times. But I didnt. And at the end of the fast, I felt no different. But I continued on pressing on for God. And within about a month, I started hearing things in sermons. I started to really hear God speak to me. The more I started reading my bible, the more scriptures would jump out at me and answer prayers. God really bought break through into my life, and its amazing how for 5 years, i thought i was serving God. And i guess i was in the best way i new how but its amazing how much God move if you just let Him. I never believed He could help me. I guess I believed He could, but i didnt believe He would. Its like Sarah and Abraham. When God promised Sarah a child to Abraham and Sarash overheard and scoffed. While I never laughed at God as such, in the same way, i scoffed because I couldnt believe the promises of God. But He really is a faithful God. And i see that now.

I am currently saving up for a trip to Ndola, Zambia and Port Elizabeth, South Africa for this November. So please, pray God provides me with the finances. I am faithfully tything so its all in God's hands.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed
not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence
continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

philippians 2:12-13 

R.I.P
Chris Mainwaring

December 27, 1965 - October 1, 2007